Some parents expect their kids to do exactly what they say, no questions asked. Others closely manage every aspect of their child’s life in an effort to keep them safe and set up for success. And, some embrace a laid-back approach, allowing their offspring to do their own thing.
If more than one of these approaches resonates with you, yet none seems like a perfect fit, that’s perfectly normal. Although psychologists and parenting experts frequently attempt to sort parents into neat categories, most parents use a blend of styles.
Let’s look closer at the different parenting styles.
Parenting styles
Authoritarian
Parents establish clear, firm rules. They expect children to respect them and obey without question. Discipline often involves punishment.
Authoritative
Parents seek to set a good balance between permissive and authoritarian styles. Parents set clear expectations and reasonable consequences. Children can ask questions and express their opinions. Discipline aims to support and teach, not punish.
Gentle
Parents seek to form strong attachments with their children. They set clear expectations, give choices and allow for natural consequences. Parents model healthy behaviors, including talking about their choices and feelings.
Permissive
Parents set few expectations or rules, but lots of nurturing and warmth. Children are able to make many of their own decisions and might develop unhealthy habits.
Gentle parenting tips
- Stay calm and in control. This is the biggest challenge of gentle parenting. It’s natural and normal for kids to have big feelings, test their parents’ patience, and melt down when overwhelmed. Keeping your cool during their storm can be very difficult. Gentle parents often seek help to learn how to maintain their calm so they can model it for their child.
- Spend 15 to 20 minutes connecting with your child one-on-one. Use this time to bond with one another by playing and chatting about the day. Your relationship with your child will flourish with your regular attention.
- Praise specific, preferred actions. For example, say your child picked up their toys without being asked. Instead of “Good job!” a gentle parent might say, “You made the house look so much nicer by putting your toys away. Thank you for cleaning up all by yourself. I appreciate you.”
- Set expectations that are fair and respectful. Nothing fuels frustration faster than mismatched expectations. Expecting a toddler to sit still and be silent through a long restaurant meal sets everyone up for a rocky time. Make sure your child is developmentally ready for the expected behavior. Likewise, set clear expectations about your own behavior and feelings.
- Focus on working together and understanding one another. Kids thrive when they understand what to expect from you, too. Talk about your feelings as they are emerging, so your child can better understand what makes you tick and develop their own emotional intelligence.
Gentle parenting is still parenting
No matter what approach you take, you will have hard days from time to time when nothing seems to work. Gentle or attachment parenting gives everyone credit for trying their best, especially when they are struggling. Remember, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a break and try again another day.
Parenting is a learned skill, so be gentle with yourself, too. Get help from a therapist or family counselor if you need support. Remember, your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) offers parenting resources and free telephonic support 24/7.
Sources:
“Gentle Parenting Trend: What Do Psychologists Say?” Brindusa Vanta, MD, DHMHS, Healthnews, (healthnews.com), March 14, 2023
“Here’s what makes ‘positive parenting’ different—and why experts say it’s one of the best parenting styles,” Amy McCready, CNBC, (cnbc.com), December 9, 2021
“Parenting Styles,” Psychology Today, (psychologytoday.com)
“What is Gentle Parenting?” Cleveland Clinic, (clevelandclinic.org), August 5, 2022
